Friday, 12 March 2010

For the guys: Hair raising questions answered

Hair is a really big issue for most people. And frankly, I've never really understood why. I've seen so many girls go all wide-eyed and hysterical at the suggestion that they snip off a few inches of damaged hair. (If you don't want to hear it, don't ask!) Me, I've always been Team It'll Grow Back. Maybe it's because I have really curly hair that's hard to style in different ways so I'm not as emotionally invested. It's either down and messy or up and messy. I used to wear my hair in a short rock 'n' roll-type bob, which drove my mother bonkers, because girls with short hair never get boyfriends, dontcha know. And I've toyed with the idea of shaving my head since I was a 14-year-old Sinead O'Connor fan. Recently I was more inclined to cut it really short like Natalie Portman when she was growing out her V for Vendetta buzz — of course I was functioning under the erroneous impression that I could pull it off with the same aplomb as the gamine actress because a friend once mistook her for me at a boutique in Toronto. (I should mention this was several years ago when I was younger and thinner and he hadn't yet had his contact lens prescription upgraded.)

Turns out my mother may have been on to something. AXE, the Maxim of men's grooming brands, has launched two new hair products and teamed up with body language analyst Barry Ettinger to shed some light on just how much your hair says about you. Apparently, over 55 percent of communication comes from body language and only 7 percent occurs verbally, which sounds like a pretty convincing argument for a sex offender if you ask me, but I digress. Studies show that upon first sight hairstyle ranks as a person's most memorable feature; in terms of touch communication, any contact above the neck communicates intimacy. The bottom line? Good hair exponentially increases your chances of getting lucky.

So let's examine a few famous hairstyles and their ability to get the guy under them laid:

The Mullet
Famous for its "business in the front, party in the back" message, this work-play hybrid is the exclusive domain of rednecks and guys who think it's still 1983. Hipsters had a brief, ironic love affair with it a couple of years ago which was vaguely horrifying and totally libido-crushing.

Survey says: Not even a sixer of Bud and a light switch make this okay.

The Caesar Cut
You're not a Roman emperor, or George Clooney circa 1994, or George Michael, or George Stavropoulos circa 1996 (this guy I went to school with who I had a secret crush on until I saw him crossing campus one day in manpris and Birkenstock clogs). In fact, unless your name is George, don't do it. And even then.

Survey says: Maybe. But only if you work the old school Clooney angle.

The Unnecessarily Shaved Head
There's a brilliant episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is dating a bald guy who, as it turns out, actually has a full head of hair. When she comes across his driver's license that has a picture of him with a rich, thick mane, she asks him incredulously: "You mean I could be dating this hair?" I wonder if Victoria Beckham ever asked the same of her husband.

Survey says: Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick Becks out of my bed for eating crackers, but if you've got it, honey, don't shave it off!

The Faux Hawk
When Mohawks first came on the scene in the heady days of Punk Rock, it signaled the dawn of a new era in music, fashion and politics. It was so badass and cool that had I been of age at the time, I would've swooned with anti-conformist rancor. Today, it signals the dawn of a jackass whose most rebellious act of defiance is going commando. It's dirty by all accounts, and not in a good way. Are you listening Jared Leto?

Survey says: What happened to Jordan Catalano?!?

The Pompadour
This is a toughie because if you're an old greasy dude with a pompadour, an unbuttoned shirt and one or more gold crosses strung around your neck you're pretty much shit outta luck with the girls. If, however, you look anything at all like Jon Kortajarena, the white-tee-blue-jeans-wearing hustler in A Single Man, then, well, be still my quivering loins.

Survey says: Jon Kortajarena OHGODYES!


  1. Where's R Pattz? That luxurious mop deserves it's own category.

  2. Amazing post! Loved reading it!
    You're hilarious!

  3. YES! 3 out of 4 girls agree that hair is the first thing they notice about a guy. You should get your fans to enter the AXE Hair Action Challenge, where you upload pics/video of girls playing with guys’ hair for a chance to win major prizes from AXE. Check it out here!