Tuesday, 8 October 2013
You can never be too rich or too fat
Aren't fat people the grossest? They're all lumpy and jiggly, and you just know that they always smell bad. They eat all the time, and probably have cookie crumbs and Doritos powder perpetually lodged between their rolls of disgusting fat. And some of them even have the audacity to go around looking and acting happy. WTF, amirite?
One such person is Rebel Wilson. Like most of North America, I was first introduced to Rebel in the hilarious comedy Bridesmaids. She played Kristen Wiig's audacious roommate who was the worst combination of mean and stupid, a role she delivered with sweet-voiced venom and deadpan brilliance. She was as revolting as she was endearing. Then I saw her again in the surprisingly good Pitch Perfect where she played Fat Amy, a self-appointed descriptive modifier that she uses "so that twig bitches like you don't do it behind my back."
From where I stand, or rather sit in front of my TV, it looks like Rebel's having a good time. She's widely regarded as funny, she's worked with some very cool broads (the aforementioned Wiig and Kay Cannon, who wrote the screenplay for Pitch Perfect and has also worked as a producer on shows like New Girl and 30 Rock, which means she's worked with TINA FEY OMGSHESMYHERO), and she generally seems fun. She's even starring in a new ABC comedy called Super Fun Night. I mean, the evidence is all there, peoples. I don't know her life or anything but it looks like things are on the up and up. But you know what would make it all a bajillion times better? If she lost a ton of weight! Because no one can truly be happy if they aren't skinny, obvs.
Today, reports say that undisclosed weight loss companies are clamouring to sign Rebel on as a spokesperson a la Jessica Simpson x Weight Watchers and Jennifer Hudson x Jenny Craig. And since Rebel is currently on a primetime TV show, viewers would be able to track her transformation from week-to-week, which...isn't creepy at all...? (*cringe face*)
Apparently, Rebel is considering the offers but a source says she would be doing it "strictly for the money," which I think is the best answer EVER. Considering la Simp's Weight Watchers deal rang in at a whopping $4 million, why wouldn't Rebel sign on simply to make a shit ton of dough? The notion that any of these celebrities who front weight loss companies are doing it for anything other than the money is the biggest joke of all. It's a sick joke, mind you, when you consider that neither Hudson nor Simpy nor the likes of Kirstie Allie or Mariah Carey need the money. But most people do require some sort of incentive to lose weight, whether it's a particular outfit, a school reunion, a revenge plot, or health and cholesterol levels and all that other stuff that can't be measured in smug satisfaction or money (aka. boooooring). Hell, if Jenny Watchers came to me and offered me a million-dollar contract to shed the five pounds I've put on since last Christmas you'd see a cloud of dust gather behind my gym shoe-clad feet faster than you can say "can I get extra cheese on that?"
I hate the fact that weight loss companies are preying on Rebel because they think she'll be the best and most relevant fat-to-skinny story today. Because who are they to make judgements or assumptions on her happiness or her health or her personal goals based on her body type? But the fact that she unabashedly says she'll do it just for the cash? Fuck yeah, sister. Take 'em to the cleaners. And then take them to the drive-through.