Friday, 8 November 2013

MySpace spaces out

Apparently there were big layoffs at MySpace today. Apparently MySpace still exists?* I imagine that the office is made up of a bunch of guys in flared, whiskered jeans who rollerblade to work and lose their shit if their stylus goes missing. They really go for girls who wear super low-rise jeans and whose thongs can be seen peeking out of the top anytime they bend down to readjust the strap on their square-toed sandals. When they go to a bar, they order apple martinis and snack on Girlfriend's Booty. When together, MySpacers talk about music (duh), Napster (so sad), and really dig this new entertainment genre called Reality TV.

I think the last time MySpace was legitimately referenced in pop culture was in the 2009 movie He's Just Not That Into You. (And yes, I went to see it in the theatre. And yes, it sucked balls. And yes, shut up about my sometimes super-lame choice in films. Excuse me, "films.") Even then I thought the reference was incredibly outdated. Like, who still used MySpace to find dates? Why not just put an ad in the personals in the newspaper while you're at it? Better yet, go to a singles bar. Or put on lipstick and a tight top, go the supermarket, sidle up to a single man who is ideally stationed in front of the cantaloupes and wait for an opportunity to say something about how you never know if a melon is ripe until you squeeze it. (In case you couldn't place it, these references were all gleaned from episodes of Three's Company. A show that predated even MySpace, hence emphasizing how outdated the concept of MySpace as an online dating vehicle is.) (There's a lot of explaining going on in this blog post. It's possible that I'm not as effective at getting my wry commentary across as I think I am. Or that I completely underestimate your intelligence. Either way, this might be a big #fail.) (It won't be long before hashtagging anything becomes an indication of #olds, btw.)

But in all seriousness, I'm sorry for the people who lost their jobs today. That sucks. Though in fairness, you had to see it coming. Good luck finding other work. And maybe steer clear of social networking sites that weren't founded and lorded over by a guy named Zuckerberg. Cuz you know anything that dork creates is going to #liveforever.

*IDK, I just recently got rid of my television set that had a slot for a VHS tape in it. I'm not exactly what you'd call on the vanguard of technology, or life.

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