Thursday, 28 November 2013

Today, I am resentful for

It's Thanksgiving Day Of Turkey And Pie Oh My God My Cousin From Atlanta Got Fat And If One More Person Asks Me If I Have A Boyfriend Yet I'm Going To Kill Myself in America. Happy Turkey Day, y'all! I gotta admit, I really wish it was Thanksgiving here too. I could totally go for some turkey right now. And stuffing, uuuggghhhhhhllllllll stuuuuuuffiiiiiiinnnnng. As my dear friends to the south (aka. Canada's pants) scurry home to their respective families to indulge in cholesterol-y deliciousness and the indigestion that comes with listening to their racist aunt's jokes, while insisting that they're grateful for "family" and "turkey" and "integration", I would like to join in the reindeer games by listing all that I'm resentful for today. Jump on the wagon ride of vitriol, won't you? We can pop antacids together!

Let's all hold hands, bow our heads to the magnificent ulcer that lies before us and spew all that we hate in this world of ours:

Kanye West: On canning his collaboration with Nike in favour of working with Adidas, he said: "The old me, without a daughter, would have taken the Nike deal because I just love Nikes so much. But the new me, with a daughter, takes the Adidas deal because I have royalties and I have to provide for my family." Really, Kanye? Really? It's going to take a collaboration with Adidas to ensure you can provide for your family? What's this kid going to get for her Sweet Sixteen? A private jet? According to Forbes, as of June 2013, Kanye's earnings have been estimated at $20 million, although other less reputable websites list his net worth around $100 million. Either way, FUCK OFF, KANYE. (see pic above)

Kim Kardashian: Kanye's equally repugnant fiance/blowup doll is reportedly worth in excess of $40 million. As far as I know, Kim Kardashian has no job, no profession, no education, no marketable skills, and no ability to distinguish between your and you're. Good job creating another winner, Universe.

Miley Cyrus: Child, what're you doing? Put that tongue away before you catch something that can't be cured with an aggressive course of antibiotics.

The Religious Right: Listen up, cuz bitches be makin' decisions about our own bodies; workin' tirelessly to ensure our daughters will have access to proper healthcare and education; speakin' our minds to ensure we land in positions of power; dressin' however we want because no one is allowed to take advantage of us or pass judgement on us merely based on what we look like; and fornicatin' however often and with however many people we damn well please. A-fuckin-men. Go away now.

Mayor Rob Ford: *cringe* *shudder* *shame* *barf* *no will left to live or vote ever again*

Played Out Misogynistic Tropes: I watch a lot of home renovation shows because I like seeing how a fresh coat of paint, some new furnishings and PICKING YOUR DAMN CLOTHES UP OFF THE FLOOR can make such a dramatic difference in a person's home. These shows are kind of my happy place. But if I see one more husband smile condescendingly at his wife as he agrees to shell out an extra $1500 for a new front door and follow it up with, "happy wife, happy life," I'm going to lose it. Because you know the subtext to that comment is, "if I don't concede on this, she's going to bust my balls for eternity." Thing is, in most couples I know, it's the husband who's a whiny, clingy baby who throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way. (Christ, I need new friends.)

The Guy Who Lives Upstairs: Holy shit, dude. Are you aware that you live in an apartment building and are surrounded by other people who are trying to sleep/work/hear their own thoughts? Turn down your goddamn electrohousetribaldrumbass crap. Oh, and, while you're at it, get some taste in music.

I think that's it for today. For today. I don't know about you guys, but I feel *much* better. Let's eat!

(Happy Day, World)

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