Thursday, 7 November 2013

Please, no more mo'

It's a great time to be alive, wouldn't you say? Your [insert favourite sports team here] just won the [insert championship thingy here]. Your [insert gender] just agreed to [insert major life milestone]. Your [insert favourite living relative] just told you the best [insert positive conversational exchange]. Your [insert descriptive modifyer] boss just gave you [insert pleasant surprise]. And I think we can all agree that the end of Kate Middleton's brief affair with bangs is a major victory for humanity. 

But what I love most about these modern times is how we, as a society with morals, principles and eyes, have ceased to engage in certain aesthetically offensive practices. I mean, au revoir French manicure! Give the cold shoulder to frosted tips! Feathered hair beware! Shrug off shoulder pads! Check you later, houndstooth! (I actually really love houndstooth. Just got carried away there. Sorry.)

So why, GOD WHY, are men being encouraged to grow a mustache? I get that November has been rebranded as Movember and it's all about raising awareness for men's health issues, and that it's essentially the male response to the over pinkification of October. But why must we pander to these outdated, cliched tropes? I don't associate my womanhood with the colour pink any more than men attach their manhood to facial hair. For such important causes, it pains me to see marketing companies employ such hackneyed tactics. Besides, do you guys want to get laid this month? Cuz I know countless women who are repulsed by the sight of a mustache. Also, way to harsh my birthday month buzz, Movember.

I think what's even more unsettling about this mustache craze is that it has somehow permeated popular culture. Stores now carry mustache stencils and mustaches on a stick for the hipster's selfie mugging pleasure. Men have started to grow their mustaches in the off months of December through October, ambivalent to their horny-taking-away powers and wondering why they're suddenly reduced to going home alone at the end of a long night spent drinking organic microbrew while dissecting Pablo Neruda and making plans to hit up the American Apparel sale tomorrow. (On second thought, maybe it's not just the mustache that's keeping these guys from getting laid.) But I'll tell you what: that mustache isn't helping.

I'm all for health and cancer awareness, and I can see how breast cancer month may have overshadowed the severity of male-specific illnesses which led to this campaign. But I beg of you, please, no more mo's. Bejewel your Adam's apple. Grow a full beard. Shave your scrotum. Just don't subject us to this:

or this:

or this:

Cuz, fellas, you will never be as good as this:

And even he had his time.

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