Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Tell me less, tell me less, where did you get that dress?

Woke up at 7am, walked the dog and managed to get in a workout. Woot! 

Breakfast was surprisingly good considering I didn't have any fresh blueberries to add to my Spelt Flakes. 

Thank the coffee gawds for good espresso, amirite? 

Taking Floyd out for an early walk tonight as I have to put the finishing touches on dinner for Boyfriend & his son. On the menu: homemade minestrone and baked chicken. Yum! (Hopefully) 

Baby, it's *cold* outside! 

Having a good hair day — whut! — thanks to the new Shu Uemura Cleansing Oil conditioner I've been using. Sometimes it pays to have my job! 

Happy birthday to my BFF. You're my inspiration! 

What? You don't care to hear about the minutiae of my day? Are you sure about that? Because I'm pretty sure that everyone in your social media feed is filling you in on much more intimate details of their quotidian life. And yes, WHO FUCKING CARES?

Let me start with this, I know that the vast majority of people who use social media — be it Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, a blog (ahem) or whatever else makes you accessible to the cyber world at large — participate in it without actually contributing anything of value. And I'm not excluding myself from this group. I totally get that it's a platform for expressing a view, uneducated and inane though it may sometimes be, but is it too much to ask that if you don't have something of concrete value to say, at least make it entertaining? I mean, you obviously want my attention, so earn it. My favourite thing to do is read peoples' status updates on Facebook. And by favourite I mean most reviled pastime that ultimately serves to indicate how many self-involved, unfunny and borderline sociopathic people I know. (Oh no, I don't mean you.) Some examples:

The My Love Life Is Sooooooo Awesome friend

This is the girl who feels the need to share every time that her partner/spouse did something that was moderately considerate to prove that she is not involved with a narcissistic douchebag, okay? Look he bought me flowers. I have the best boyfriend ever! We're going out for dinner. My husband rocks! Three years ago today I met/married/got knocked up by the most wonderful man in the world. And he's so hawt! We're all super stoked for you guys and stuff (I mean, no, not really, but you know) but we can't help but think that you're overcompensating for something. Getting flowers from your boyfriend is great [subliminal message directed at Boyfriend, who never reads this blog. #fail] but it doesn't make him the best boyfriend ever. And if it does, then I have to wonder what kind of shit this guy gets away with when flowers are the benchmark for Best. Evar. Also, no one will be surprised when you guys break up. Because, obvious.

The I Am So Dedicated To My Healthy Lifestyle friend

Ugh, please, stop talking about all the grain-free, gluten-free, vegan shit you're eating before you run your daily 10K. Day four of gluten-free cleanse and I feel great! What's worse: running in the rain or not running in the rain and feeling guilty? Oooh, gotta run an extra three miles to burn off last night's wine. lol Set out for a 5K this morning and did 10 instead. Oops ;) We get it: you're dedicated to your body, it's a temple, you just want someone to celebrate it for being a wonderland. But we don't need to hear all about it. Seriously, we don't find it interesting. Like, in the least. I'd rather read a steady stream of updates from a colonoscopy than hear about how much mileage you've racked up this week. People do physically taxing things every day for a living — firefighters, construction workers, miners — you don't hear them bragging about it. You want to go for a run? Cool. Just step away from Facebook.

The You Must Be Apprised Of My Every Thought friend

This might be the most annoying person on Facebook. It's the feed of the least interesting man in the world. Man, it's getting dark early these days. Wow, it's cold out there. I think I'll put cream in my coffee today instead of milk. Oops, should've stuck with milk! Wearing red socks with blue shoes. Watching the Breaking Bad finale and OMG! And on and on and on. This person updates their status every few minutes and the stream of consciousness is so mind-numbingly boring and uninspired you almost want something bad to happen to them just to jazz up their updates/life. Here's a thought, friend: don't share every thought with me. If we were sitting across the table from one another right now, would you feel compelled to tell me, in the span of 78 seconds, that you're sleeping so much better now that you've changed duvet weights and the first snowfall reminded you of that time in university when you made out with that dude and you haven't had a migraine in over a week? Yes? Ok, we are no longer friends.

The My New Life As A Stay-at-Home Mom Is The Best Life friend

My heart really goes out to these women, even if they do annoy the shit out of me. Because I never believe that deep down inside they're happy with their decision. As far as I'm concerned, it's a classic case of the lady doth protest too much. I haven't been this sleep-deprived since my first time defending a case. But it's worth it for the cutest offender ever! You know you're a busy mom when you forget to eat lunch. Running after my kid is so much better than running after the morning bus. In other words, you can't shake the memories of your past life and you miss the shit out of it. You know what? That's okay! It doesn't make you a bad person. But all these inane updates about your newly boring life do. Enjoy your fucking kid and the luxury of not having to work, and shut up about it.

Me? I'm the friend who writes status updates about her dog (lame, I know) and about current events (so obnoxious) and who editorializes on politics (keep your bleeding heart liberal comments to yourself, right?). I also repost stories that I find interesting, which usually pertain to women's issues or how awesome dogs are. And from time to time, when I'm traveling, I'll update people on the things I'm doing, which are almost always awesome, because it's usually a press trip which means I'm traveling on someone else's dime doing things that would otherwise be waaaay out of my price range. So, yeah, I'm not saving lives with my status updates. But when needed, I try to make them poignant; more importantly, I almost always try to make them funny. Because what's social media for if not to lighten up someone's day with the brilliant missives that you come up with but have no one to share them with other than your dog and the four walls that enclose you both? And lemme tell you, Floyd doesn't have the most sophisticated sense of humour.

*This post was brought to you by PMS and hypocrisy.

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